I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.
14/01/17: Back From the Void
Have you ever had an illness that left you damaged? I'm returning from one now, my eating and sleeping habits a distortion of the old, normal me. I went through a week of insomnia, overdoses of paracetamol and accompanying hallucinations. Of walks back home from University that felt so bad, so sickly that you counted every step and every swallow, bracing yourself for the pain, thinking 'God, just get me through this.' I was so ill I even spent two whole days in my apartment. I hate my apartment. I even think the illness got worse because I was forcing myself to University in order to not spend all day in my apartment.
Weirdly, I don't hate my apartment anymore. It sheltered me during my existence in the void, when my health fell apart for no obvious reason. I've started eating soup, day and night. I've lost a lot of weight, I mean I must have. My wig looks bigger on me now. My cheeks thinner. I stopped taking my hormones for one week because I was taking other stuff and was scared of the combined possibilities of Lemsip + Female Hormones = monster/death/monster-of-death.
I stopped writing for my website for an entire week. Now I begin to rebuild my life with the support of this site, by writing posts again, and getting back into the weekly habits. The posts will force me back into the cinema, and into written reflections, and into living a life that prompts such reflections. I am like Alan Turing with his machine, he keeps it alive and it keeps him going.
It's 2017 and I'm going to complete my second novel. I started it during my MSc in Creative Writing last year. I'm going to do some research on a beautiful – if much maligned – part of the world where important bits will take place. I have spent too much time while in bed thinking about the most trivial things, as well as the darkest things. Now I can feel daylight shining down on me and I'm getting up to meet it.