Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

29.01.17 Another Three Months Of Life Without Testosterone

29.01.17 Another Three Months Of Life Without Testosterone

29/01/17: Another three months of life without testosterone

This weekend's diary post isn't easy; it's still January, I'm continuing to cough from my bubonic-plague-cough of a few weeks ago, and my sciatica is back, making me get up from library chairs like I have toiletary issues. I'm now wondering if I should delete that last crude sentence, it's hardly testament to the progress I'm making, from man into woman. But perhaps because of that, it serves its own useful purpose.

I had a new, testosterone-blocking injection a few days ago, it's good for three months. Accompanied by the daily intake of female hormones, it makes for subtle changes in your mood and your appearance. But the changes have been a bit too subtle to detect, considering I've been on this combination of blockers and hormones since June 2016. I still don't feel like I look any different. I've felt low sometimes, though I'm assuming it's because I have reasons to feel low, not just because of a chemical imbalance brought on by pills.

I don't think it's depression, exactly. The really serious kind seems to knock people out, but I've continued to study, to be passionate about things, to visit cinemas and write devotedly about my experiences. Perhaps I've exaggerated my state of mind these past months. I over-think things, though, I imagine worst-case scenarios about the people I know, in relation to me. Arguments and conflict that in some cases lead to my being left all alone. Over and over, walk after walk, evening meal after evening meal, these thoughts. I try to distract myself by thinking about certain sports, to an unhealthy degree. I've become reliant recently on blocking out bad thoughts by watching Youtube clips of American football from the early 1980s, and imagining what the San Francisco 49ers would have been like if they'd only drafted Roy Green at wide receiver in the fourth round of the 1979. He was drafted by the Cardinals instead and I've allowed it to bother me, in a way that stops other things from bothering me even worse. Or William Andrews (Atlanta Falcons, third round, 1979), and Ottis Anderson (Cardinals again, first round, 1979). I imagine the 49ers' backfield in the early 1980s, how great it could have been with Andrews and Anderson in it. And Green at wide receiver. I mean, it was a pretty good team anyway, they got two Super Bowls in the early eighties, but it could have been better.

This confession of intense pointless thoughts hints at another interest of mine – what do people think about when they're alone? Do you role-play yourself into sporting fantasies as a personnel-coach with the 49ers? Do you imagine yourself as a musician to your favourite music? Do you think fuck all? We have hyper-developed brains; a computer goes into sleep mode, but unless we actually sleep, we keep on thinking. And thinking. Or is this the curse of the single forty-something? If I wasn't trans, I'd be married right now, a father right now. I'd be worrying about them. Is this what's meant by how loneliness is unhealthy?

Where do the hormones come into it? Are they responsible partially for my highs and lows, and the prompting of coping mechanisms about American football in the 1980s? Are they responsible for anything, or are hormones so incidental in effect that it's something else. Is it me using 'trans' as a blaming mechanism for my lack of effort with my own social welfare? Because all these thoughts might just be the loneliness of a single, forty-something person, juggling anxieties about money and opportunity and the future, as well as acceptance and rejection from those close to them. Perhaps I just need to try harder to develop a more socially active life. Whatever it is, I've felt healthier, mentally, than now, even if the 49ers team I've re-imagined of the early eighties is a thing of beauty.

05.02.17 My Personal Trial
My Grail Story: Is Life Really Over After 25?


No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Friday, 25 September 2020

Captcha Image

What's On This Week

My Latest Posts

July 01, 2020

Silenced by The Scotsman

​ On 11 June, The Scotsman published a deeply hostile article against transgender rights and activism in an opinion piece about the JK Rowling furore by its deputy political editor Gina Davidson. After much distress, I wrote a counter article which The Scotsman quietly ignored, after they had offered to pass it on to their Comment Editor. I experie...
May 11, 2020

The Book of Queer Prophets, curated by Ruth Hunt

in Books

  The Book of Queer Prophets: 24 Writers on Sexuality and Religion The historically fraught relationship between Abrahamic religions and LGBT+ identities provides the backdrop to The Book of Queer Prophets , a collection of twenty-four meditations by public figures who identify as both religious and LGBT+. The book's curator, the for...
May 09, 2020

Queer/Transgender short film: Mesmeralda

Joshua Matteo's short film, Mesmeralda , merging horror with esoterica, is now out on youtube . As with his previous work Metanoia , we see youthful trans actors racing through the empty streets of a moonlit New York, haunted by symbols and stalked by a masked figure of violent intentions. Mesmeralda , as described by Matteo, is the companion ...
March 08, 2020

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare Summer, 2016: Gina's Big Bang, as transitioning begins A bureaucratic question in a sun-lit room. My medical practitioner asks me if I intend to have children. The question lingers, but the self-loathing is instant. No, I won't be having children. The practitioner nods. She moves on to the n...
November 10, 2019

General Election

General Election 12 December 2019 I spent the last election in an office, alone but for the company of a colleague. We watched the BBC's coverage while I drank wine, downbeat and expecting austerity and the absence of hope to triumph. Then we saw the exit poll and hung around, disbelieving at the sight of the kindled embers and lukewarm glow of a f...
October 05, 2019


October 05, 2019


Joker The trailer did its work, flashing images of anomie and fury perfectly pitched for these unstable times of precarious working conditions, grievance and institutional indifference. For these same reasons, Joker , directed by Todd Phillips and starring Joaquin Phoenix as the protagonist, has attracted pre-release criticisms like few other recen...
September 29, 2019

Resisting Whiteness event 2019

Resisting Whiteness one-day event, Edinburgh Returning for the second consecutive year, Resisting Whiteness came yesterday to the Pleasance Theatre in Edinburgh, providing an intense and inspiring series of panels, as well as a wonderful spoken word section, and a final segment based around the documentary short Invisible by internationally-acclaim...
August 21, 2019

Hearty by Emma Frankland

Hearty by Emma Frankland Raw and dripping with punk aesthetic, this one-woman-show's one-woman emerges in ripped tights and a T-shirt that paraphrases loudly the words of anti-trans theorist Germaine Greer: Lop Your Dick Off. My first impression of Emma Frankland is edgily uncertain and in awe, her Lady-Gaga-looks combined with Heath Ledger's mesme...
August 21, 2019

Pronoun, Pass, & Amnesty International

Transgender drama: Pronoun To be clear at the outset, this was the production of a youth theatre group, not a highly resourced team of experienced, professional career actors – although some of the performances left a powerful impression, and the show as a whole achieved some remarkable moments. Pronoun , written by Evan Placey, follows the transit...