Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Acid for Blood

neruda

Acid for Blood 18.06.17

The bitterness flooded briefly on Thursday, having burst its banks. The Funded Ones in my PhD world had returned from glamorous research trips abroad or from conferences, while I had done nothing, sat inert for weeks at my desk with books about Lacan, trying to refocus after a stop-start May. In July I will teach foreign students for a month, the income opportunity will rise like a whale, before disappearing again. The latest spate of part-time job applications I sent for something more enduring have once more led to nothing.

I remember sitting in my apartment armchair on Thursday night, tired, summoning the will to go to bed. The bitterness and resentment struck me then like acid, and I had acid for blood, like the aliens of Ridley Scott's imagination. No longer human, a new species, income-less fortysomething student with acid for blood. These feelings, they come and go. I knew from writing these posts that the next day is not the same, and I might wake up no longer an alien of acid and bitterness.

It's Sunday morning as I'm writing this now at the University and a near-empty study room. It always feels good to get up early, the walk along Sunday morning streets, crossing empty roads without care, with one of my favourite skirts swishing around me. The Meadows Park was tranquil, a few people pushing small children in buggies, a jogger or two. Incongruously, a spread of litter in the park of one unfathomably selfish group from the previous evening, contrasted against the otherwise pristine green. Perhaps an alien had attacked them.

Not this alien, though. Perhaps it was the friends' barbecue I went to yesterday which calmed me down, as I chilled among all the families. It's good to have those anchoring moments, to remind yourself that you're a person and everyone has their sense of unfulfillment, a novel never written, the travelling that was put on hold. I have done those things for what it's worth, and the metaphors I use to describe myself now change to something new, and I'm not an alien with acid for blood but a chameleon of an emotional kind, with a self-image that takes on whatever's happening in my unconscious. Today I'm more like a figure living in poetry, like the beautiful, failing detective in the movie Neruda, who begins to question whether he really exists or is just a figment of someone's imagination, and is that so bad anyway?
On the Issue of Accommodation
I Bore Myself
 

Comments

No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Guest
Thursday, 24 September 2020

Captcha Image

What's On This Week

My Latest Posts

July 01, 2020

Silenced by The Scotsman

​ On 11 June, The Scotsman published a deeply hostile article against transgender rights and activism in an opinion piece about the JK Rowling furore by its deputy political editor Gina Davidson. After much distress, I wrote a counter article which The Scotsman quietly ignored, after they had offered to pass it on to their Comment Editor. I experie...
May 11, 2020

The Book of Queer Prophets, curated by Ruth Hunt

in Books

  The Book of Queer Prophets: 24 Writers on Sexuality and Religion The historically fraught relationship between Abrahamic religions and LGBT+ identities provides the backdrop to The Book of Queer Prophets , a collection of twenty-four meditations by public figures who identify as both religious and LGBT+. The book's curator, the for...
May 09, 2020

Queer/Transgender short film: Mesmeralda

Joshua Matteo's short film, Mesmeralda , merging horror with esoterica, is now out on youtube . As with his previous work Metanoia , we see youthful trans actors racing through the empty streets of a moonlit New York, haunted by symbols and stalked by a masked figure of violent intentions. Mesmeralda , as described by Matteo, is the companion ...
March 08, 2020

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare Summer, 2016: Gina's Big Bang, as transitioning begins A bureaucratic question in a sun-lit room. My medical practitioner asks me if I intend to have children. The question lingers, but the self-loathing is instant. No, I won't be having children. The practitioner nods. She moves on to the n...
November 10, 2019

General Election

General Election 12 December 2019 I spent the last election in an office, alone but for the company of a colleague. We watched the BBC's coverage while I drank wine, downbeat and expecting austerity and the absence of hope to triumph. Then we saw the exit poll and hung around, disbelieving at the sight of the kindled embers and lukewarm glow of a f...
Joker
October 05, 2019

Joker

October 05, 2019

Joker

Joker The trailer did its work, flashing images of anomie and fury perfectly pitched for these unstable times of precarious working conditions, grievance and institutional indifference. For these same reasons, Joker , directed by Todd Phillips and starring Joaquin Phoenix as the protagonist, has attracted pre-release criticisms like few other recen...
September 29, 2019

Resisting Whiteness event 2019

Resisting Whiteness one-day event, Edinburgh Returning for the second consecutive year, Resisting Whiteness came yesterday to the Pleasance Theatre in Edinburgh, providing an intense and inspiring series of panels, as well as a wonderful spoken word section, and a final segment based around the documentary short Invisible by internationally-acclaim...
August 21, 2019

Hearty by Emma Frankland

Hearty by Emma Frankland Raw and dripping with punk aesthetic, this one-woman-show's one-woman emerges in ripped tights and a T-shirt that paraphrases loudly the words of anti-trans theorist Germaine Greer: Lop Your Dick Off. My first impression of Emma Frankland is edgily uncertain and in awe, her Lady-Gaga-looks combined with Heath Ledger's mesme...
August 21, 2019

Pronoun, Pass, & Amnesty International

Transgender drama: Pronoun To be clear at the outset, this was the production of a youth theatre group, not a highly resourced team of experienced, professional career actors – although some of the performances left a powerful impression, and the show as a whole achieved some remarkable moments. Pronoun , written by Evan Placey, follows the transit...