Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Sunday Skies

Serafin
Sunday Skies 23.04.17 How strange to read my previous post, the bitterness and hatred. Today outside is beautiful, blue skies and almost no one here in the study room because it's too nice to be here. My essay is done, I don't feel like doing anymore, have reached that saturation point where you're staring at words on a screen, and wondering what m...
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Alone In The System

Alone In The System
Alone In the System 18.04.17 I broke down today, in tears, in someone's office. It's the first time it's happened, crying in front of other people like this. A colleague from the university's staff pride network, I didn't know who else to turn to. I got a job rejection this morning. So many qualifications and so much experience for a post well with...
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One-year anniversary

One-year anniversary
One-year anniversary 16.04.17 It feels slightly ridiculous to write about my one-year anniversary of being out, full-time, as trans. It is, medically (or should that be bureaucratically?) an important moment because it means you can start discussing gender reassignment surgery with your doctor for real. That meeting comes in early May for me. Havin...
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Dealing With Failure

Dealing With Failure
09/04/17, Dealing With Failure It's a pivotal moment that didn't seem so pivotal after the event, though I know things are going to change in my life now. My application for funding for my studies got rejected on Monday. It is a big deal. It means I'm going to finish my studies in two years' time considerably poorer than when I started. I'll still ...
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You Are Now Mentally Ready

You Are Now Mentally Ready
You Are Now Mentally Ready 03.04.17 I wake up in the darkness as the guitar music trails into nothing. The woman's voice on the twelfth and final recording of the NHS Mental Health and Wellbeing programme has faded back into the Middle Ages along with her guitarist. There were some words I can remember about the training she'd given, telling me I'm...
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27.03.17 The Dilemma of Having Your Face Tortured

27.03.17 The Dilemma of Having Your Face Tortured
27.03.17 The Dilemma of Having Your Face Tortured From February 2016, I began to have laser-hair-removal treatment done privately for my facial hair. In December, I began the process with the NHS, through a 'photographic' session. Over three months on, I'm still waiting to hear when I can start the treatment, but in the meantime, here is my st...
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Now Close Your Eyes

Now Close Your Eyes
19/03/17, Now Close Your Eyes I have continued to listen to the recordings, the ones promoting mental health. I lie on my bed on these evenings, the room is dark like the Scottish winter outside, there's light coming from the living room, and from the laptop next to me. I'm dressed in black, in leggings, vest and long black cardigan, with a basebal...
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Listen and Relax . . .

Listen and Relax . . .
13/03/17, Listen and Relax . . . My gender-transitioning nurse – my current doctor Frankenstein if you will – gave me a link to a mental-health-and-wellbeing site, full of listening tracks. Up until yesterday I'd ignored them, being too anxious about wasting valuable study time that I waste anyway. And so last night I downloaded, clicked on and lis...
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05.03.17 Sciatica, My Enemy

05.03.17 Sciatica, My Enemy
05/03/17, Sciatica, My Enemy Since I use these posts to write about what's on my mind, I'd like to write about what's bothering me at the moment, it's a thing that won't go away, and is starting to shape my life again. It's called sciatica. To explain: a few years ago, I used to work out in the gym, two or three times a week. On one occasion I did ...
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The Way The Wind Is Blowing

The Way The Wind Is Blowing
25/02/17, The Way the Wind Is Blowing It was Thursday morning when I saw the news, the Trump administration policy that US states would be able to legislate against trans students having access into the school restrooms of the gender they identify with. It sent a chill because I thought we'd get four years of Trump making a fool of himself without ...
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19.02.17 Late Night Life

19.02.17 Late Night Life
19/02/17, Late Night Life It's late for a computer room, I can hear the wind outside and I know I'll have to walk my way through it. It's dark, of course, outside, and I am the last one here. I went to the cinema last night, to a late-night showing, a shitty film with a 10.30pm start. I walked home, passing pissed teenagers in a bus stop, I haven't...
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11.02.17 Single on Valentine's Day

11.02.17 Single on Valentine's Day
11/02/17, Single on Valentine's Day Christmas is the best holiday. I have cycles of memories of family and goodwill and all the tinsel and baubles and carols; cards showing snow-covered landscapes that I could dream myself into. TV before digitalization, when four channels vied for the most Chrismassy presentation of 'what's on this Christmas!' I g...
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05.02.17 My Personal Trial

05.02.17 My Personal Trial
05/02/17, My Personal Trial Note: this post was originally intended as a review of an opera I went to watch at the King's Theatre the previous night, 'Kafka's The Trial' adapted by Philip Glass. But given how the evening ultimately made me feel, I think it works better as a diary posting. The trial. It certainly was, in terms of trying to find disa...
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29.01.17 Another Three Months Of Life Without Testosterone

29.01.17 Another Three Months Of Life Without Testosterone
29/01/17: Another three months of life without testosterone This weekend's diary post isn't easy; it's still January, I'm continuing to cough from my bubonic-plague-cough of a few weeks ago, and my sciatica is back, making me get up from library chairs like I have toiletary issues. I'm now wondering if I should delete that last crude sentence, it's...
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My Grail Story: Is Life Really Over After 25?

My Grail Story: Is Life Really Over After 25?
22/01/17 My Grail Story: Is Life Really Over After 25? My beloved magazine lay there yesterday on the sofa, open at a certain page and left forgotten. I was alone and needed something to read; I picked it up. Empire magazine's expose on the coming of Trainspotting 2 ('T2' for short). Being based in Edinburgh, I'm aware of the film's extra importanc...
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14.01.17 Back From the Void

14.01.17 Back From the Void
14/01/17: Back From the Void Have you ever had an illness that left you damaged? I'm returning from one now, my eating and sleeping habits a distortion of the old, normal me. I went through a week of insomnia, overdoses of paracetamol and accompanying hallucinations. Of walks back home from University that felt so bad, so sickly that you counted ev...
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2017 New Year Message

2017 New Year Message
07/01/17: New Year Message I had things to share about my Christmas, but it can wait. I'm ill today and don't know when it started, this dry cough. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was cold, it was so cold in my Edinburgh apartment. Under the covers I shook and was unable to stop shaking with cold, despite adding socks halfway through my restless nig...
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Christmas Message December 2016

Christmas Message December 2016
23/12/16: Christmas message I'm going away to a place without the Internet for a while. I won't write over Christmas, will be back in early January. This is my chance just to give everyone a season's greetings. And to say a few things, just some reflections. I guess it's been quite a tumultuous year, globally, I don't think I need to explain why. O...
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Gina's Trans Diary, 18.12.16: entry 18 Horcruxes and Other Things

Gina's Trans Diary, 18.12.16: entry 18 Horcruxes and Other Things
Gina's Trans Diary, 18.12.16: entry 18 Horcruxes and Other Things The photo accompanying this piece is of last weekend's Trans Remembrance Evening. In the photo you'll see the poetry student Avery, and in the centre, the playwright Jo Clifford, whose talk became increasingly a mesmerizing experience for the thirty people in the room. For this photo...
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Snowden / The World I Live In (2) 11.12.16

Snowden / The World I Live In (2) 11.12.16
11/12/16, Snowden / The World I Live In (2) The Trans Remembrance Evening at Edinburgh University had been and gone, months of prep and then the release after a beautiful, intense evening. I wanted to watch a movie in the cinema again. Not just any movie either, I had suddenly become politicized after reading an article by a journalist I respect, J...
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