Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.



Communities 17.09.17

With Edinburgh University still in Fresher-Week mode yesterday, I participated in an LGBT info event, with myriad groups manning stalls. I met with organisers and took their literature as they took from mine – I have a feeling that my event-organizing this year is going to be a much more collaborative effort. This means bigger audiences and greater reach, as well as the fun of a shared workload and many ideas from organizers of different generations and backgrounds.

The stall that moved me most, for personal reasons, was Scot-Pep, who organise to represent sex worker rights, including those in the trans community. It doesn't surprise me that many trans people would get involved in prostitution to get by. Over this past year, especially after the University rejected my application as a teaching assistant (after a lot of other rejections), and the city's private agencies gave me nothing, I began to re-consider my own options. It hadn't yet got to the idea of prostitution as something plausible; I was preparing instead to go from bar to bar in the gay/trans district, begging for part-time work with the hope of sympathy as one of their own.

Would I have turned to prostitution if I'd got nothing over the summer? Answer: I don't know. I did reflect on it, and my own viability. I don't think I'm so unattractive, if the 6ft trans woman is your thing. But you, dear reader, can see my photos on this site, so perhaps you're better placed to make a judgement call on my possibly deluded potential. Whatever; given my anger and desperation around April-May, I was beginning to see myself as an outsider, without access to what I considered normal, or legal, opportunities. I also had my breakdown in a colleague's office, after the hardest and cruellest job rejection. In short, I no longer felt I had a stake in polite society.

It's a funny thing, though, as someone who feels uncomfortable around Gay Pride, but I felt happy and at ease in that hall yesterday, exchanging emails and literature with people whom I can organize with, and with people who I took to more than I thought I would. Community can be an overrated thing, but it can also be the safety net and springboard when you're ready to return to the action as your re-invented self. It was also a reminder to me yesterday, of avenues I hadn't quite gone down, partly - I think - because the stars aligned for me at the right moment.
What happened to the thing I loved?
The Sadness of Immaturity


No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Friday, 25 September 2020

Captcha Image

What's On This Week

My Latest Posts

July 01, 2020

Silenced by The Scotsman

​ On 11 June, The Scotsman published a deeply hostile article against transgender rights and activism in an opinion piece about the JK Rowling furore by its deputy political editor Gina Davidson. After much distress, I wrote a counter article which The Scotsman quietly ignored, after they had offered to pass it on to their Comment Editor. I experie...
May 11, 2020

The Book of Queer Prophets, curated by Ruth Hunt

in Books

  The Book of Queer Prophets: 24 Writers on Sexuality and Religion The historically fraught relationship between Abrahamic religions and LGBT+ identities provides the backdrop to The Book of Queer Prophets , a collection of twenty-four meditations by public figures who identify as both religious and LGBT+. The book's curator, the for...
May 09, 2020

Queer/Transgender short film: Mesmeralda

Joshua Matteo's short film, Mesmeralda , merging horror with esoterica, is now out on youtube . As with his previous work Metanoia , we see youthful trans actors racing through the empty streets of a moonlit New York, haunted by symbols and stalked by a masked figure of violent intentions. Mesmeralda , as described by Matteo, is the companion ...
March 08, 2020

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare

Sterile like the moon: the joys of transgender healthcare Summer, 2016: Gina's Big Bang, as transitioning begins A bureaucratic question in a sun-lit room. My medical practitioner asks me if I intend to have children. The question lingers, but the self-loathing is instant. No, I won't be having children. The practitioner nods. She moves on to the n...
November 10, 2019

General Election

General Election 12 December 2019 I spent the last election in an office, alone but for the company of a colleague. We watched the BBC's coverage while I drank wine, downbeat and expecting austerity and the absence of hope to triumph. Then we saw the exit poll and hung around, disbelieving at the sight of the kindled embers and lukewarm glow of a f...
October 05, 2019


October 05, 2019


Joker The trailer did its work, flashing images of anomie and fury perfectly pitched for these unstable times of precarious working conditions, grievance and institutional indifference. For these same reasons, Joker , directed by Todd Phillips and starring Joaquin Phoenix as the protagonist, has attracted pre-release criticisms like few other recen...
September 29, 2019

Resisting Whiteness event 2019

Resisting Whiteness one-day event, Edinburgh Returning for the second consecutive year, Resisting Whiteness came yesterday to the Pleasance Theatre in Edinburgh, providing an intense and inspiring series of panels, as well as a wonderful spoken word section, and a final segment based around the documentary short Invisible by internationally-acclaim...
August 21, 2019

Hearty by Emma Frankland

Hearty by Emma Frankland Raw and dripping with punk aesthetic, this one-woman-show's one-woman emerges in ripped tights and a T-shirt that paraphrases loudly the words of anti-trans theorist Germaine Greer: Lop Your Dick Off. My first impression of Emma Frankland is edgily uncertain and in awe, her Lady-Gaga-looks combined with Heath Ledger's mesme...
August 21, 2019

Pronoun, Pass, & Amnesty International

Transgender drama: Pronoun To be clear at the outset, this was the production of a youth theatre group, not a highly resourced team of experienced, professional career actors – although some of the performances left a powerful impression, and the show as a whole achieved some remarkable moments. Pronoun , written by Evan Placey, follows the transit...