Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Fragments

Ex-Machina

 Fragments

Yesterday evening I completed my move across town from one apartment to another. The experience was, and continues to be, disorientating. I guess everyone needs a place to call home. I start from scratch, again.

I woke up from an anxiety nightmare early this morning. Soon after, was lying on the floor doing stretching exercises and caught myself in full sight in my new wardrobe mirror door. I'd never seen myself like this before, in my bed things and a baseball cap, lying on the floor in relative darkness. Me watching me. Studying the incompleteness.

Up until the move to a new apartment, I'd spent more time alone, my flatmate at my last place away on leave. Her absence meant I could blur the lines a little: I stopped making shower/make-up the first act of my day. I would wander, instead, into the kitchen and our minimalist living area of floorboards and wooden table. Would have breakfast, trying to enjoy the absence of pressure on performing and presenting me, though it appears to have left me inconsolable: maybe without the performance, I'm nothing. I saw myself in the mirror much more often during this period, not as I present to the public, but in fragments of Gina. I wonder in hindsight if this had the effect of looking into a broken mirror: my Ego in fragments, my body disunified.

I usually identify as a transgender woman, but these past few days, the word that comes to mind is androgyne, if such a word exists. A thing in between worlds, and between people. I hear real people's stories about real stuff, dating, holidays, and I've never felt so distant.

These are the days we don't really hear or talk about. I exist in isolation, a construction aware of its own constructedness. I wish I was not this way. I arrive at my university building this morning covered in sweat, it's muggy outside despite the nice walk (I love my new walk to university). My body battles with temperatures, my hair so thick keeping all the warmth inside. Am so hot and sticky. My temperature diodes do not seem to be working. The floor of my unconscious, uneven. Jagged skylines. Literature, music, cinema, alcohol, none of the above. My brain explodes with the lack of answers. What do you do when the performance you thought you were putting on for the world, is being performed for your own benefit? Shards of broken Gina, lying on the ground, watching itself in a full-length mirror.

The Whiteness of LGBT+ Spaces
Forbidden Androgynies
 

Comments

No comments made yet. Be the first to submit a comment
Guest
Wednesday, 22 May 2019

Captcha Image

What's On This Week

My Latest Posts

April 28, 2019

Gina's Moving Castle

Saturday afternoon 27.04.19 Enough with marking papers. Enough about conferences. Outside is a blue sky. There's a book shop nearby, my temple, its owners are trying to remove stickers of transphobic messages pasted on their door. Yesterday I met a guy who'd been set upon by a group of 17-year-olds. He still had the scars, and the trauma. They saw ...
Girl
April 14, 2019

Girl

April 14, 2019

Girl

It's a film I watched weeks ago, uncertain that I wanted to review it, the gruesome, horrific ending overshadowing anything positive I was able to take from it. Girl (2019), a Belgian production directed by Lukas Dhont is apparently inspired by the life of contemporary dancer Nora Monsecour . It's a film I had hopes for, really wanted to like, and ...
March 09, 2019

Freshwater by Akwaeke Emezi

in Books

Freshwater by Akwaeke Emezi The author, Akwaeke Emezi, calls herself trans but also Ogbanje, a spirit depicted in Igbo culture as inhabiting a newborn baby soon to die, though possibly allowing it to live. These are dark conceptions already, embracing fatality and negotiating both intrusion and malevolence, and they contribute as themes to Emezi's ...
March 02, 2019

The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein

in Books

The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein This may be one of the most important books on the 21 st century state of the world, an analysis of the global socio-economics that makes sense of the chaos of post-9/11 Iraq, of the collapse of democracies of Latin America since the 1960s and 70s, and the democratic false dawns of Russia and South Africa since the...
February 17, 2019

Alita: Battle Angel

Alita: Battle Angel A week has gone since I watched Alita: Battle Angel . It's a film that left me feeling similar emotions to the cyborg-driven techno-fireworks in Ghost in the Shell (2018), the emotion of 'almost.' Visually, there's a lavish sci-fi splendour to the film, bearing the wonders you desire in a mixture of escapist sci-fi and fantasy: ...
February 03, 2019

A Brexit Feminism That Fears And Excludes

This article follows a number of events that shook me this week. First of all, the filmed harassment by two Trans-Exclusionary-Radical-Feminists (TERFs) of trans woman Sarah McBride at McBride's workplace. I watched it online and thought: that could be me, caught out, disoriented. How do you respond to the equivalent of door-stepping, as out of the...
Vice
January 26, 2019

Vice

January 26, 2019

Vice

Vice A lukewarm reaction from critic Mark Kermode and a condemnation from political writer Simon Jenkins are a strange way to start this review of the Dick Cheney biopic Vice , given that I really enjoyed it. Jenkins's is peculiar, believing it reduced the U.S. invasion of Iraq to the work of a few shady men in the U.S. administration. But wasn't i...
January 21, 2019

The Gospel According to Jesus, Queen of Heaven

The Gospel According to Jesus, Queen of Heaven I entered a dark, candle-lit auditorium, finding a dining table stretching the length of the floor, draped in a pristine white tablecloth, with candles and cutlery. Audience members trickled in, free to sit in the auditorium or at the table as guests of a transgender Jesus. Queer, and just a bit contro...
January 20, 2019

Queer Two-Spirit Poetry: Fabian Romero

in Books

I can't remember when I ordered Fabian Romero's chapbook*, sometime in September or October 2018. The investment made, the months went by, enthusiasm slow-cooking into defeat, guessing it had got lost in the mail. Then last week I found a soft white envelope in the post. Fabian Romero's chapbook, Mountains of a Different Kind , waiting for me. I re...