Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Gina's Trans Diary, 05.12.16: In the Blink of an Eye

Gina's Trans Diary, 05.12.16: In the Blink of an Eye

Gina's Trans Diary, 05.12.16: entry 17 In the Blink of an Eye

The picture accompanying this post is of a French graphic novel that I came across once, I'm in love with the otherworldly images. The girl in the picture is a version of me, or of an attitude of me. Life, this image says, is sometimes an ocean bearing monsters. You face it with attitude and a pose, and a sword.

I had a bad few days last week over-spilling into the weekend; went to a job interview where I couldn't answer anything. Lost out on a job I couldn't afford to lose. Went to a far-away city for a conference where the hosting hotel denied all knowledge of the conference or the organiser whom I had sent money to.

Written like this, it all happened in the blink of an eye.

I tried writing this post four times, giving the full account of what happened at the conference, but what's the point?

Life goes by in the blink of an eye.

You fuck up but it doesn't matter. You get up, dust yourself down, and carry on. It's funny, at the blandest times, just walking along roads or while cooking, I retreat into myself and think of all the worst things that could happen, of relationships falling apart. Then when bad things really do happen, I reflect and it doesn't matter. A haze of spiritual numbness descends, or I ascend into it and am safe.

I wonder if that's how I'll feel when the shit things I fear happening really happen this Christmas.

Roosevelt was right about fear.

And I have learned the danger of our schematas, our background anxieties that we carry to each and every situation, expecting the worst, expecting things to turn out as they should to someone who is incompetent or a sucker or a victim. These kinds of thoughts make things worse. This weekend I was nearly the victim of a scam, but my stressed-out, distraught reaction made the whole thing worse. And in the end, it wasn't a scam, just poor organisation from someone else for once, but if I'd been cooler under pressure, the situation would've been resolved more quickly and easily.

This posting is a series of fragmented thoughts, incoherence that won't come together. I won't go into detail about the bad things that happened to me last week, culminating in my weekend at the conference.

I will only say that days like this are what cinemas are for, what music and good company, food and drink is for. Live, and be merry, it all goes in the blink of an eye.
Gina's Trans Diary, 18.12.16: entry 18 Horcruxes a...
Gina's Trans Diary, 27.11.16: Highs and Lows and H...
 

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