Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Gina's Trans Diary 06.11.16 When You Feel You're Losing It

Gina's Trans Diary 06.11.16 When You Feel You're Losing It

Gina's Trans Diary, 23.10.16: entry 13 When You Feel You're Losing It

Insanity appears to appear when I can't control things. For me, nothing brings on the appearance of insanity like technology gone wrong (I suck at I.T.). Three days ago, a file of notes I'd typed up disappeared. I was stunned, being sure I'd saved the file. I remember moping over it in the PhD 'kitchen', like a pet had died (due to accidental maltreatment from me). Something similar then happened the day after, this time with an essay I began writing that I really liked and I intended to try and use for a conference. Now I was really concerned: either there was a software issue that was mysteriously losing the files (unlikely), or I was simply forgetting to save the files, despite having vague memories of saving them. This latter possibility suggested a combination of gross incompetence and memory loss that bordered, for me, on insanity. Not huge insanity, but the beginning of it, born of a weak mind deteriorating.

I admit to having been in a relationship once, one lasting several years, where the person involved made me feel – indeed, informed me – that I had a weak mind that was deteriorating. That I forgot everything, I couldn't focus, I was scatter-brained. I carry the scars of that relationship with me, but I also know there must be a hint of truth in it. So when things go wrong, I question myself. It doesn't hurt to question oneself. It may give you the inconvenient truth. Or if it doesn't, you can feel relieved and realize you were wrong to despise yourself quite as much as you did.

Anyway, the issue with the files. I became desperate and got the library IT people involved. I mean, if you're losing your mind, then it's important to get proper confirmation. Initially there were no clear answers. Maybe I was losing my mind. 50%-50%. So I tried saving something again as a test, and again it failed to appear. Ha, I thought. I'm not insane, not completely. In fact there were, somewhat mysteriously, two desktops under my name, both appearing, one belonging (perhaps) to last year's MSc that I did, and a new one for my PhD. My 'lost' files were in the smaller, MSc desktop. I managed to get them back. I have important files again; and so I'm not insane.

Well, the fact that I become so upset and so consumed with self-loathing does suggest a degree of psychological ill-health. I think these past months have felt dark, as I wait for Christmas, to see how things will be with my family, our first Christmas with me as Gina. I wait and I think, over and over, worst-case scenarios fill the evenings as I cook. Resolution will be very welcome, one way or the other. In the meantime, the smallest mysteries and paranoias come dangerously close to pushing me over the edge. I never used to be like this, and must remember this, that this period is not me, or doesn't have to be. Circumstances can infect us with the worst kind of self-regard, but it doesn't have to last.
Gina's Trans Diary, 11.11.16 The World Around Me
Gina's Trans Diary, 30.10.16: The Danger of Being ...
 

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Wednesday, 29 June 2022

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