Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Gina's Trans Diary, 20.11.16 The Cup Overfloweth

Gina's Trans Diary, 20.11.16 The Cup Overfloweth

Gina's Trans Diary, 20.11.16: entry 15 The Cup Overfloweth

The first unstable 'moment' came in a dream. I was playing football on a field, in a mixed gender game. My team was always one or two goals ahead, and I was either the goal scorer or goal-maker each time. A really enjoyable game. I woke up in darkness wondering why I'd dream such a dream. Was it my subconscious reminding me of some borderline-mythic happy past moments as a guy?

In my waking hours I had become increasingly obsessed and unable to think about anything other than (1) seeing my family for Christmas (and how they'd react), and (2) not being able to find a job, and also (3) the fact I will never have children. I spent the rest of the week thinking: maybe I can go home to see my family as a guy. Maybe it won't be so bad. And about finding work, maybe after March, when the teaching scene becomes more active, I will have to accept presenting as a guy. There are one or two language schools I haven't tried, and with my qualifications (and teaching ability, I'd like to think) I would quickly become an asset and get lots of work.

What really shook me was watching the sci-fi movie Arrival at the cinema mid-week (see my review), about the joys of having a child and the love it brings, even if it ends in tragedy. Such a love was so powerfully and beautifully drawn in that movie that it made me the saddest I've been. When I got home, as I prepared for bed, I couldn't take my hormone pill. This is the first time I haven't wanted to take it, and deliberately didn't take it. All I could think was the beautiful child who would never be born because of what I was doing to myself, my self-sterilization. The image of the child fading. I woke up the next morning and saw the full cup of water by my bed, untouched, the one I use for helping down the hormone pills.

I think I'd got to the point where I couldn't take the position I was in, anymore. It felt as if my brain was rebelling, especially about my family seeing me as Gina (and me being rejected), and finding work (and the failure). There has to be hope, a belief in another way, and not just the possibility of never seeing my family again (if they refuse to see me) and not working in 2017 when I badly need the money.

Well, that was then. Since, I've been to a trans support group Saturday meeting (they meet once a month, and it came at a good time for me this time), had lots of nice conversation with people there. Also talked to a trans friend at a university-organised event about how I was feeling. I don't know why I feel better. The weather has been pretty bad, my back pain has returned with the cold (and too much sitting at a computer). My two pairs of trainers, bought back in July, have fallen apart. I now walk my 40-minute walk in hard heels that make it just a bit more painful than it used to be (have just ordered a pair of trainers online with Amazon, hope they work). For whatever reason, I do feel better. I don't think about kids, at least not about the tragedy of not having them. I've put the work option on the shelf; I can go back to that thought in March/April. And as for my family, I have a set of options in my head that wasn't there before. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, not this time. Perhaps I can work-in an option of androgyny (my tight jeans, but keeping the wig and make-up) for Christmas. It's good to have options, and not feel you've painted yourself into a corner.

I've heard that coming out of the closet as a transsexual is like jumping off a mountain. Maybe it is, a bit. But I think that perspective was also hurting me. Because if it really is damaging you, in terms of risking the loss of your family and potential work, maybe you have to find another way to do it. Your sanity cries out for it. My sanity this week seemed to cry out for it. I'm more at ease thinking I have options in the short-medium term that I hadn't considered before. And now suddenly this reassuring feeling: so that's what sanity feels like, I had forgotten . . .

Gina's Trans Diary, 27.11.16: Highs and Lows and H...
Gina's Trans Diary, 11.11.16 The World Around Me
 

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Wednesday, 29 June 2022

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