I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.
Gina's Trans Diary, 27.11.16: entry 16 Highs and Lows and Highs Again
On Thursday I went to my graduation ceremony for my MSc in Creative Writing. The graduation ceremony is supposed to be a celebration of your potential. At the ceremony's end, I realised I had lost my coat, an expensive one and also one that kept me warm. It's winter here in Edinburgh, with frequently freezing temperatures. I left it, I'm guessing, at a bus shelter while I was changing my shoes.
So I began to hate myself again, at this supposed moment of zenith. When it began to sink in at the ceremony's end, that I had lost my coat, I felt like dumping my degree in the bin.
Things did recover. I went to a pub called The Caves, had nice conversations with people from my course, some I'll never see again. Then off to a Thanksgiving Day dinner provided by another friend, the food amazing.
I don't hate myself anymore, but I wish I hadn't lost my coat. Also: I wish I looked nicer in the photo. I look like a guy wearing make-up. Could it be the cold weather, the face becoming thinner in the cold? Or is it just that the hormones aren't working? Will never really work?
Do you see Yesenia in the photo, next to me? She has been my sister, friend and flatmate over this past year. She's going back to Chile next week, I guess forever.Last night I went with friends from my course to watch the movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Afterwards the three of us (Calder, Angela and me) had a pleasant walk home in the dark, misty night, like three wizards with the world at our feet. I was reminded too that we're all like spider babies with the MSc course finished. We're each blown along the wind in our own individual directions, working out how to make our way in the world after our training. I hope we stay in touch; feeding off each other's initiatives and achievements; I hope in its stop-start way that life continues with that narrative, punctuated by that walk along empty late-night roads under lamplight, Angela, Calder and me, talking of future plans and initiatives with serious intent and good humour. When life is like that, it's very cool.