Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

Listen and Relax . . .

Listen and Relax . . .

13/03/17, Listen and Relax . . .

My gender-transitioning nurse – my current doctor Frankenstein if you will – gave me a link to a mental-health-and-wellbeing site, full of listening tracks. Up until yesterday I'd ignored them, being too anxious about wasting valuable study time that I waste anyway. And so last night I downloaded, clicked on and listened.

The cheesiness of the recordings doesn't help. In the background is a guitar strumming the kind of gentle filler I'd associate with the Middle Ages. The Middle Ages makes me stressed, I think it's one of history's worst periods, of ugly clothing and diseased people, when religion ruled and Britain was like Saudi Arabia, only without the sunlight or the money. I don't know how the medieval period overlaps, but I also associate the two, so add torture with metal masks and cages hung from ceilings. So anyway, I tried to relax.

A woman's voice emerged, reminding me a bit of Nurse Ratchet's in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.Clench, and unclench, became her message. Your fists, your toes, your eyes. At the time, I was at home, sitting on the floor against my radiator, trying not to let sciatica ruin the moment. I changed rooms, taking my laptop with me to my bedroom. I lay on the bed in the darkened room and continued clenching and unclenching. I think I fell asleep.

I listened to about four of the twelve tracks, consciously or otherwise. The tracks are not enlightening, but perhaps that's not the point. I did ultimately feel relaxed. I continued to maintain my vibe by playing Pink Floyd, their 'More' soundtrack. No more clenching and unclenching and certainly no more Middle Ages. Pink Floyd, in their late 60s, early 70s period somehow capture the mood of the Mediterranean civilizations of ancient Greece and Rome, humanity's first enlightenment, simultaneously tranquil and coruscating, before the Middle Ages ruined it. I lay back and listened and I was on some Greek coast, a slight breeze to keep me cool, and no one else around.

I wrote a post about Valentine's Day, about how all these holidays and festivals are there to be turned into your own thing. It's the same with these kind of mental-health listening tracks, I think. They make you cringe, in the way that Valentine's Day can make you cringe, but you adapt it to your own tastes and it becomes something worth doing. So I'm glad I listened to the tracks and will continue doing so, followed by my own thing, Pink Floyd or Jeff Buckley or whoever, it's the first time I've relaxed like this on my bed in the darkness, not counting going to bed, and perhaps the Middle Ages doesn't seem so bad anymore, and what was I really doing with my time anyway?

Now Close Your Eyes
05.03.17 Sciatica, My Enemy


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Friday, 25 September 2020

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