Transgender Life

I don’t want this site to be solely about being transgender. From my experiences so far, it’s not even something I could write about every week – being in the closet is far more intense and frustrating and writeable. However, there are moments when things happen, unique to trans people. I’d like to share those moments with you, and let you into the mystery.

My World Cup diary (I)


My World Cup diary (I)

Saturday Night

My flatmate and I hosted a Beatles-themed party a few weeks ago. I chose the simple route for my Beatles-themed outfit, using string to tie lots of paperback novels to my waist, signifying Paperback Writer. It wasn't very inspired, but I did also create some mash-up posters for my flatmate (see picture), in the spirit of the cover of Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, while my flatmate covered our living room wall with images of the Beatles (also see picture). After it was over, a friend stayed with me. Intoxicated, we burned the midnight oil, admiring Lana Wachowski's HRC acceptance speech from 2012 – which continues to move me. Later, got stoned and hardly moved at all while staring at the laptop, to the trance-like music of Boards of Canada. An hour went before I realized I'd been watching a fairly blank screen, the music having taken me captive. But I don't like marijuana, or its effect on me.

Football World Cup: Mexico 1 Germany 0

The most interesting thing is dealing with the disappointment. Watching your team duke it out is an immersive experience: you imagine beforehand how good they could be. Then you get the anticlimactic reality. In response, I unplug the emotions. I have no influence on the game, therefore there's no point being too sad. I shrug my shoulders and exit the pub with my friend, a new distance grows between me and my team, and between me and the fantasy. If this continues, I may have to make ambitions of my own.

Frisbee in the park

Some weeks ago, I went to a park with Valentina and Vivek from my PhD room, and threw a Frisbee. Usually, I watch other people playing in the park, while I walk on by. But even here, throwing a Frisbee in the park, I wore a raincoat, being still too body conscious. Some day I'm going to relax in the park and take a selfie of myself as I'm reading in the sunlight, without a raincoat.

Football World Cup: Sweden 1 Germany 2

I'm glad I watched this with a friend, we were able to hug as Germany's winning goal went in, in the final minute of the game. Why does this win feel so important? Because the team is in the process of finding itself, it needs more time. Tis a thing of beauty to watch something fighting for its life, for its opportunity to exist and become something. This new German team is evolving erratically before our eyes. Life finds a way. Cosmic.

Scottish Parliament 1 Gina 0

I went to the Scottish parliament last week as part of the university's staff pride network, to a Pink News event that celebrated LGBT progress in business and politics. Was too ill to drink alcohol, but met some nice people, and I made no impact on anyone. The photo of me, mingling in the background, captures my experience better than a thousand words.

Learning to Smile
Anxiety Dreams and the Cisgender Label


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Saturday, 19 September 2020

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